Which version of this poem, Meditation, is the best?

Usually when I revise a poem, I see it as much better than an earlier version, however, as I looked at this poem, I could not decide which is better. So, dear readers, I would appreciate receiving in your comments which one you think is best, #1, originally written in 2002 or #2 revised in 20ll. Thanks for your assistance.

#1. Ghazal 6 – Meditation

Quiet are the black hours of meditation

starlight and moon cower before meditation.

She dreamed flights of fretless singing when young.

Some find a voice of power through their meditation.

A New Year tosses arid thoughts on barren sand

I seek to experience the flower bloom of meditation.

Hold tight the ambrosial sweetness of emptiness.

Wealth fails to tower over ernest meditation.

Dakinis write scripts that make the mountains cry.

Skywalker seeks to devour time with meditation.

#2.

Quiet drinks liquid hours of meditation

stars and sun cower before meditation.

She dreamed flights of abandoned singing when young

now showers melody in meditation.

New Year tosses arid thoughts on barren sand

seek to smell the flower of meditation.

Relish ambrosial sweetness of emptiness

wealth fails to tower over meditation.

Dakinis write scripts to make strong mountains cry

Skywalker devours time with meditation.

12 Comments on “Which version of this poem, Meditation, is the best?

  1. Greetings Skywalker, both poems are tied for first place. Both poems has meanings for the reader. Each poem reveals the soul searching of the author. Love the spirit within!!

  2. I think you should “shuffle” these & see what happens. For example, I like the 1st two lines of version 2 better, but line 3 of version 1 is stronger than L3 of version two.

    Similarly, with the closeing lines. Each version has (in my opinion) superfluous verbiage. I’d close this way:

    Dakinis write scripts that make the mountains cry. (V1)
    Skywalker devours time with meditation. (V2)

    Mix it up, sister.

  3. I definitively believe the original version is better. The rhythm is more satisfying and some of the words you eliminated for the second version were the most evocative.

    However, I feel you were wise to eliminate “Some find a voice of power through their meditation” from the first version. It seemed like a brick compared to the other lines.

    Forgetting critique, it was excellent, like everything I’ve read by you.

  4. I’d vote for your second version, though I kind of agree with mamasheri that they are two different poems. Individual lines in both poems sparkle, though I’m not grasping an overall intent or message or meaning from either one. I think it’s because this is intensely personal stuff. You were working something out in the first one. It’s vaguely unsure, disjointed. It almost sounds like random lines plucked from different poems. You sound more self-assured in the second version. But whatever you were working out, I still don’t think you’re quite convinced. In a way I love the idea of writing a poem that only you can fully grasp. But for poems meant to be shared, I find both of these slightly bewildering.

    • Gary, thanks for your comments, as always. This exercise has shown me the truth of how poetry affects each reader differently. While a slight majority have liked the second one better, those who preferred the first do so strongly. With this one, I’m going to combine the best elements of both. In the future, I’m just posting both versions of those in which I have two, because most are very different. As for understanding it, some references are Buddhist but otherwise, it’s partly just the nature of the ghazal.

  5. Wow I’m feeling intimidated to even make a comment! If I really had to go for one, I think the second one, because it flows more simply, and I like simplicity. I tend to think if you are true you have nothing to hide, so be simple. But you are really marvellous to be able to write like this.

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