Continuity of Consciousness – A Birthday Story

One summer day, when I was ten years old, I thought, “I always was and always will be.” I found comfort and support in that thought, but immediately remembered  the Catholic Church teaches that only God has no beginning and no end. Although I could not resolve what appeared to be a contradiction to  Catholic doctrine, and at that time I was a devout Catholic, I KNEW I always was and always will be.

Many decades passed before I found validation of my realization in the teachings of Buddhism. The concept of continuity of consciousness reveals that which is the essential element of being always was and always will be. The error in my thought was the “I” for according to Buddhism no “I” truly exists. But, that’s a topic this I cannot tackle in a brief story.

So, today I celebrate another birthday. I’ve reached the age where how old I am doesn’t matter because as the saying goes, “You’re as young as you feel.” Yes, I’m one of  millions of Americans called “baby boomers.” We range from those born immediately after World War II to those born at the beginning of the sixties revolution, 1946 to 1964. Many of us continue to cling to those beliefs, life styles, and ideals that we held as youth. Many of us continue to grow finding new beliefs, ideals, and life styles to keep us healthy and youthful in body, mind, and spirit.

I see myself belonging to both groups. I’ve been blessed to continue to believe, as Ann Franks wrote, that “people are really good at heart.” True many propagate ignorant, racist, bigotry and millions around the world suffer unnecessary poverty and inhuman genocide. But, I do believe that when people conquer the poisons within themselves all of these evils disappear. And today, on my birthday, I cannot attempt to offer all of the solutions that are being provided to end these abuses.

This year, however, through this blog, I plan to share, not only my creative writings, not only to tell stories, but also to provide information and links to the many organizations and individuals that let me know that the balance of good vs evil will prevail, though the struggle is longer than most realize.

To illustrate, I will now end with the story of Tara. The Tibetans tell us two stories of Tara’s origination. The first is that in the most ancient of times she was a princess named Yeshe Dawa, “Moon of Primordial Wisdom.” She was devoted to the Buddha, developed the great compassion known as bodhichitta, and vowed to become enlightened for the benefit of all sentient beings. But, the lamas at that time believed that enlightenment was possible only in a male body and advised her to pray to be reincarnated in her next life as a man. Princess Yeshe Dawa knew they were wrong and vowed to conduct enlightened activities in the past, present, and future in female form. So, she became the fully enlightened buddha known as Tara who bestows blessings in 21 forms.

Going back many more eons, when Chenrezig, the Compassionate One, worked for eon after eon to liberate sentient beings from suffering, to the point of developing thousands of hands and eyes. When he finally felt that he had succeeded in leading all beings to enlightenment he looked around and saw countless beings still suffering. Overwhelmed, Chenrezig fell to the ground blinded by tears of love and compassion. One of the tears from his left eye became the female bodhisattva White Tara, one from his right eye manifested as Green Tara, and both said, “Don’t worry! We two will help you.”   (From, Tara’s Enlightened Activity, by Khenchen Palden Sherab and Khenpo Tsewang Dongyal).

Knowing that consciousness can continue endlessly moving toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings is good reason to celebrate another birthday.


I had not intended to write today, but I have a story to share. Tuesday morning, I ended my 12 hour night shift of nursing with a feeling of malaise. For hours I had a headache that was not strong enough for pills, a tiredness I could not explain, and a deep feeling of emptiness, confusion, and loss of purpose. My sleep was intermittent and I awoke with the same feeling I had when I went to bed. Feeling as I did, I could not face another night of no patients, occupying myself with reading, fighting to stay awake, temperature changes from hot to cold, and the never ceasing roar of multiple electronic machines. So, I called in sick.

I was sick, sick in spirit. Something was wrong and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I just knew I had no motivation and the positive pulse that had been directing my days for the past many months was gone. So, I rested. I rested my mind and body. I stayed in my night gown and robe, moved slowly, cooked dinner, took a nap, watched a movie with my husband, did my spiritual practice, and was in bed before one a.m. (which is early for me, even on nights I don’t work).

Of course, I didn’t fall asleep right away but I forced myself to lie in bed and rest. I knew I needed rest to get well, I needed to rest my mind and my body. When I finally fell asleep the first dreams I remembered were confusing and frustrating. They were the type of dreams I have too often of trying to go somewhere and never reaching my destination. Then I had the following dream.

I was sitting at a dining table, the Dalai Lama was at the head of the table, and I sat on his left side, next to him. He spoke with energy and enthusiasm, moving his arms and hands to emphasize his words. He turned and smiled at me, as if he knew me well and we had talked before about what he was discussing. Then, I was in a storefront teaching a class about taking refuge. Someone was mopping the floor as I talked.

When I awoke from those dreams, I felt rested, refreshed, and refocused. I did not get up immediately, I wrote down my dream and then let energy flow into me. The first thought I received is the topic of my next story. Then, the ideas came for the book I have been writing, The Ultimate Wonder, my collection of stories on death and dying.

Finally, I realized that the reason I had gotten sick was that I had stopped writing. The busyness of the holiday season, a new focus and interesting challenges on my job, and a host of intriguing distractions had pulled me from writing. I had even fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need to write, since all I get are rejections and seldom any comments or responses when I do write.

But, as I repeatedly tell Brian, my husband and a visual artist, we must do our work for ourselves and because we have to work to live. We create not to make money but to feel that every day offers the possibility of creative activity, a new insight into the meaning of existence, a novel approach to recalling an experience, a unique and original way to capture a compelling story. So, whether or not I ever achieve recognition, publication, or “success” as a writer in this world. I have this forum to say I am a writer, I live to write, and I will continue to write.

Upon reflection, not only did the Dalai Lama heal me of my malaise, the dream gave me clear direction. My writing is to serve the purpose of sharing the Dharma, the good news that with compassion for ourselves and all sentient beings (and a lot of work) anyone can realize their Buddha nature and attain enlightenment. . .but that’s another story.

Reflections on a Year of Gratitude

The gratitude symbol as a rock garden.

The old analogy of some people seeing the glass half full while others see it half empty can also be applied to how some people will reflect on 2011. Some will see this as a year of betrayed promises leading to despair, others will see this as a year of small successes with positive growth and movement leading to gratitude. I adhere to gratitude. Many writers, journalists, and politicians will discuss the negative and positive political, social, economic, and environmental issues of 2011. The year is done and I want to reflect personally on the many gifts and several surprises I received in 2011.

This year began with kind and supportive messages, cards, and gifts from friends and family for a landmark birthday. Later many of these same people helped me to define myself as a creative, caring, calm storyteller, wanting to make a positive difference in the world. Shortly afterwards someone sent me an e-mail from the Vision Alignment Project and soon I was practicing the magic of Intention, finding that I can indeed positively direct my life course for the highest good through my words and vision. The weight loss photo of a friend on Facebook led me to Isagenix. After many years of failed attempts to lose weight, I lost 16 pounds in 41 days and in general feel healthier and have more energy than I have in years.

I’m grateful for my work as a registered nurse in the Hopi Nation and for finally getting a nurse manager who considers herself a co-worker and not a boss. I’m grateful for being able to live in this spacious and beautiful land of tall mesas, big skies, and warm winter afternoons and living in a house that feels like home. I’m grateful for my husband who continues his creative journey with me.

When this year began, my focus was on writing and storytelling. I am grateful to have successfully completed my series of audio stories, “The Ultimate Wonder” and am in the process of preserving the series in a book. As I struggled with rewriting and submitting my screenplay and short story while reading professional writing magazines I am grateful for finally deciding on how I want to direct my work as a writer. This blog will be a major tool for me to share my written works.

Finally, I am grateful for being able to apply my Buddhist practice in my daily life. I have been able to devote more time to spiritual practice and meditation which guides my choices and priorities. As the Dalai Lama, and all Buddhist teachers, relate until each person turns inward to free themselves of the poisons of anger, greed,  ignorance, desire, jealousy, and pride we will continue to have problems that make the headline news and keep the wheels of war and corporate monopolies turning. So, I am grateful that I am striving to develop the antidotes to those poisons, the six perfections – patience, generosity, wisdom, joyous effort, ethics, and meditation. With these skills as my sword, I draw a circle of gratitude and prepare for the coming battles of 2012 to be a  force for the highest good of all. So be it and so it is.

Welcome to the World of the Feminine Ocean Holding Great Knowledge.

I have spent this day, the burial of my dear elder Cousin Helen, going through my Buddhist books, notebooks, and prayers. I was searching for the Sur practice to do for Cousin Helen to assist her passage through the Intermediate Bardo. In the process of this search, I found the card with the name my teacher, Shenphen Dawa Rinpoche, gave me when I took refuge.

I came upon Word Press after signing up for the Chagdud Gonpa blog (where I ordered my Sur practice, which I did find). Just yesterday I realized I had forgotten my refuge name. So, that I found it on this day, I decided that it would be the appropriate name for my blog, Rigzen Chomo, Feminine Ocean Holding Great Knowledge. When I received this name, I felt humbled and inadequate. Although, I still have much to learn, for learning never stops, I am beginning to recognize that I am blessed with an ocean of knowledge and it seems now is the time to begin.

To introduce myself – I practice Tibetan Buddhism, I am married to the artist, Brian Payne, creator of the online Zinc Comics. I am a professional storyteller,, and a registered nurse. We currently live in the heart of the Hopi Nation, Polacca, AZ where I work the night shift as an OB and Medical/Surgical registered nurse.

So, I’m very busy all of the time but all things happen for a reason. You will be hearing from me.

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